Saturday, April 22, 2006

Silences and Introspection

I live my life in a series of silences and introspection. When someone says goodbye and walks away with his back turned, I linger in my silent moment, wondering what “goodbye” actually meant. I’m too cerebral: too much introspection over the should-I's and would-I's, and always weighing out my reactions to people and things in perfect, exact proportions.

The battle for me is realizing that I don't have control over everything. Life happens over flu's, traffic near misses, misunderstandings, obsessing over the past, "I don't know if I'm good enough" internal fights, and "I'm too sad to get out a jar of ice-cream" depressions. Life happens with your hair in a pony tial and you wearing a flip-flops and a tank top with the bra straps showing.

Perhaps grace isn't about having artful negotiations and diplomatic goodbyes and the internal zen when you run into someone you used to care about (or not ending sentences with a preposition, for that matter). Maybe it isn't about feeling perfect peace when you read old letters and emails. Maybe it's about letting your regrets and hurt and loss run their course so you'll be done with them, and not feel the need to bury them away like landminds.


Anonymous BD said...

Hi November,

I miss reading your insights into life and your personal struggles (and the occasional debate). I'm guessing (and hoping) it means that your life is going well...

1:09 AM  

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